old faces, new friends

I am a big believer that you are a different person at different points in your life. Sometimes even people that share wonderful memories eventually grow out of each other.

I have had a lot of different friends in the past who I have slowly grown out of and grown apart from due to growing up and becoming a new version of myself, with new values and morals.

At nearly 22 years old I am not really friends with many of the people I was friends with between the ages of 13-17. Some people seem to be lucky and keep the same friends their whole lives, but for me I have always felt like I change so much over time that friendships get lost along the way.

I would say each year from 16 till now I have changed dramatically and can hardly relate to 16 year old Casey at all. I don’t feel like I even relate to 20 year old Casey anymore. Who I am has evolved and will most likely continue to evolve for a long time, however the last 6 months I have really started to settled into who I am and feel the most like myself that I’ve ever felt.

Saying that, I reached out to a friend that I was extremely close to at a younger age that seemed to get lost in the last few years. Both of us now being adults and settled in who we are, our bond seemed to be just as strong as when we were 16 and it felt right to reconnect with each other.

It felt like reintroducing ourselves as who we are now but with all the funny and wonderful memories we shared when we was younger. Neither of us are the same as we were yet our bond is just as close and it feels lovely.

It’s so important to realise that a lost friendship doesn’t have to be bitter and certainly doesn’t have to be over forever. We grow up a lot, especially through the ages of becoming an adult and realising that it’s okay to have lost some people and made some mistakes along the way will be a big help with accepting who you are now.

You have changed and so have the people around you and maybe it’s a good thing, give it a chance

x

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I cannot wear that…

I have spent the last couple weeks attempting to plan the best outfit for my birthday night out next month. Although I wish it was as simple as seeing something I like and buying it, it would seem that is not the case.

Every piece of clothing I have seen people wear that I have liked has ended with the thought of ‘but I can’t wear that’. Whether it be because ‘it shows too much of my chest and my shoulders are too broad’, ‘my arms are too big to wear something not long sleeved’, ‘my tum will stick out in that so I won’t be able to eat before I go’.

So the last couple of weeks that have supposed to be the planning of a special night, have turned into so many self critical words and so much self hatred that I have questioned whether I should even go.

Isn’t it strange, that we associate so many outfit choices with body size. Deciding we are too big or too skinny to wear something before we even put our body into it.

We are typecasting our bodies to outfits that we have been told are suitable for them.

A lace bodysuit will not suit my body type because I am not a size 6. My arms aren’t slim and my chest is not petite. I can’t wear normal denim shorts because my legs are too big and my stretch marks are too obvious. I definitely cannot wear a bikini because my tummy is not toned and my hips are too straight and my boobs are too big and my legs are too big and my arms are too big and I just CANNOT wear that!

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put ourselves in a box of ways we are allowed to express ourselves with clothing. We constantly save images of outfits we love but never let ourselves try them because we do not look like the person in the picture.

And yet after saying all this, realising what my brain is doing to my body, I will still come across a lace bodysuit that I like and think ‘I cannot wear that’… because that is what I’ve been trained to do.

X

A new start

I am slowly learning to be open minded about putting myself out there. It’s a journey to look forward to.

I have always had a problem with seeming too extra, too loud, too out there. For a long time I attempted to mould myself into a much quieter and more subtle version of Casey. The reasons are still unclear as to why I always saw myself as too much, maybe it was the friends I had at the time, maybe it was something subconsciously that stemmed from childhood or maybe it was just an idea I had created of what a teenage girl should be like.

As a young woman in her early twenties, I have had time to really discover what matters most to me and more importantly that I don’t deserve to live as a dimmed down light. I have a lot to say and a lot to give, whether it be loud or quiet and I can decide how much of myself to show to people. The world deserves to see a full brightness Casey and I deserve to finally exist as her. Through creativity, through discussions or just through saying what I feel.

I am excited to see who I become, knowing I am completely and unapologetically myself from now on x

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